Saturday, 21 June 2014

Breaking News from the World Cup

Spanish Dominance had all been a Plot

Documents made available by wikileaks show that the last eight years of Spanish football dominance were actually part of a planned sting operation executed by all the other football teams in the world. The idea had been to make Spain believe they were the best side ever to play the game so that they would go into Brazil 2014 over-confident and underestimating the abilities of all the other football teams in the world.

As the news broke, prominent players from all the other football teams in the world began giving interviews regarding the details of the sting operation and their role in it.

In an interview with BBC Radio 5Live, Holland striker Robin van Persie said, "8 years of making it look like the Spanish team were unbeatable and class above us all, the tough decision we took to play like a team of Sunday league thugs in the 2010 World Cup final, and the late nights spent plotting with all the other football teams in the world were worth it. Now we're almost through to the second round in Brazil and the Spanish are going home. Take that Paul Newman!"

van Persie also let slip that England were not in on the sting operation, because all the other teams in the world felt it would make no difference whether England were trying to make the Spanish look good or not. "They contrive to make all their opponents look like footballing gods in any case!", said a laughing van Persie, as he left the studio.

Christiano Ronaldo was interviewed in the Portuguese press and confessed to being happy that the truth had finally emerged. "You think I wanted to do the whole leg waxing budgie smuggler look? Of course not. I looked like a twat. But the whole rationale was to a. make Iniesta look better, and b. take away some of the press attention he might otherwise have got. That way he could get on with looking like one of the world's best players, without the media circus that otherwise might have followed him. Yes, you might say his 'success' was really my success."

Apparently the whole plot was almost blown by the Swiss, who in line with centuries of Swiss custom decided to remain neutral and therefore not to join the sting operation. “Those bastards could have blown the whole plot” said Chilean striker Jean Beausejour (though admittedly via an unreliable translator). “They only went and beat the bloody Spanish in the opening group game in South Africa 2010. Luckily, we and the Hondurans rescued the situation on behalf of all the other football teams in the world.”

Wayne Rooney.

The BBC’s chief political editor Nick Robinson reported on the story for BBC News “This is huge. And make no mistake!” Nick said, to camera from Copacabana beach. “I mean anti-world cup protests going on for more than a year in the one country in the world no one would have expected protests against a football tournament is one thing; we in the press can play that down with judicious use of Samba music and selective history. But this, however flimsy the actual evidence, and however implausible the whole story, this is worth hours of discussion and analysis and will have repercussions for the foreseeable future”.

In other World Cup News.

Encouragement for Flagorons

British DIY chain B&Q have come in for widespread praise following their ‘revive your flag initiative’. The chain of popular weekend venues for dull people announced their line of “celebrate surrender” paint pots, which are small pots of white paint with which flagorons everywhere can reimagine their flag of St George by painting over the red cross. Having done so, they thereby render it a white flag and thus far more appropriate for supporting the national team as they go into their dead rubber with the footballing gods of Costa Rica. A spokesperson for Staples, a chain of shops, said “yes, we’ve copied the idea and are now selling World Cup 2014 Tippex, which comes with a free flag of St George”.

The three leaders of the main political parties (actually the two largest parties + the 5th most popular party) have all demonstrated their loyalty to the nation and its football team by posing for photographs holding white flags supplied to them by the Sun in conjunction with B&Q. A spokesperson for the Labour party said that it was their view that Ed Milliband’s apology to the people of Liverpool over the previous Sun photo should be seen to also cover this incident.

English FA in Cave Painting Denial

Finally, in an unprecedented move, the English Football Association have released a statement denying recent reports in the tabloid press, which claimed that English football coaches and managers favoured communication via cave painting, when explaining tactics to their team. “While we take tradition seriously”, said the FA spokesperson …

Oh, I really need to do something more productive with my life.

1 comment :

  1. Hi,

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